Tag Archives: relationship

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

All throughout my practice and over the years, for both couples and individuals, I see many who find themselves in difficult if not downright abusive relationships.  That has often been an ongoing pattern in their past relationships and their current relationship may continue and mirror those problems.  Also there are many who are still looking for just the ‘right’ person but haven’t a clue as to what makes a relationship ‘right’.  Now sometimes relationships become abusive after time and it can be because two people are not right for each other so that conflict and anger become part of the dynamic.  Or sometimes stresses destroy what was once good.  But more often it is a pattern.  Someone once said to me about her friend “I can always tell which kind of guy she will gravitate to.  She always goes for the one with a certain ‘attitude’ and of course good looking.  It is those guys who are really womanizers”.

More often it is women who find themselves with angry or emotionally unavailable men who take out their frustrations on their partners, but I have also worked with men who find themselves with cold, derisive, and ‘bitchy’ women who offer little warmth or love and mistreat them.  Now relationships don’t  normally start out that way.  People usually fancy themselves ‘in love’.  But the chemistry and that mystery we call ‘attraction’ can fade pretty quickly with the reality of life’s stressors.

There are many who repeat past patterns of abuse whether it stems from original family dynamics or from past relationships.  One person I worked with had a cold, distant, alcoholic mother, and every woman he ends up with has an addiction problem of some sort.  He takes care of them and does his best to offer them the love he feels in the hopes that it will change them.  I often feel that people have a certain kind of radar that puts them in the same situation over and over again.  The key to change is understanding the behavior and the willingness to stop trying again and again to accomplish what may be impossible.  Easier said than done!

 

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Relationship Configurations

Remember ‘open marriage’ and ‘free love’?  Well maybe you don’t, but if  free love’s time has come & gone, open relationships exists in many forms and probably has throughout history.  I am not now addressing polygamy in other cultures or even polygamy in the United States, as I know very little about that, but just what I have seen in my office.

I use the word ‘marriage’ loosely, because often there is no formal marriage.  I have never actually seen a threesome or foursome in my office, but I have seen couples and individuals who are involved or have been in open relationships.  In my experience it is an uphill battle to keep it going where everyone is okay with it.  Feelings arise such as jealousy & possessiveness that are difficult to deal with.  If the core couple is strong, then it stands a better chance.  But often one person is not entirely truthful about their feeling.  And feelings may change over time.

Then there are other relationship configurations, especially in the LGBT community.  Not everyone is satisfied with a dyad.  People’s needs are different and what works for the majority doesn’t fit everyone.  There are polyamorous relationships that are strong and important.   I have noticed however that  there are frequent changes in these relationships.  People go through transitions at varying stages in their lives and what they are looking for often  evolves.  But that does not mean  that these connections are not real & important.  They are.  There is commitment and close emotional as well as physical intimacy for those involved.  They are not ‘casual’ any more so than any marriage or dyad which breaks up is ‘casual’.   And at first glance, there is a greater willingness to be open and communicate about needs and feelings such as love, warmth, conversation, cuddling, as well as sex in various forms. Needing a community where one can get a variety of needs fulfilled is not considered weak or odd in polyamorous relationships.  There is a greater acceptance of individual differences & needs. People change and grow and these relationships can help.  The jury is out though as to how lasting they are.  I do not know and I don’t think anyone does.

But as in traditional relationships, the core issues remain the same:  Communication, commitment, fairness, fighting well, humor and acceptance remain key ingredients as to whether relationships survive comfortably.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Anger & the Art of Fighting

When you are together with another human being, anger, annoyance & irritation – whether expressed or unspoken, are only natural.  After all, we are not clones of each other no matter how well we mesh.  But how a couple fights is key.  Most of the couples I see don’t know how to fight in ways that resolve issues rather than exacerbate them.  Then there are others who don’t want to resolve issues but want to be ‘right’.  Some fight almost as a way of life.  They will argue about which side of the refrigerator a magnet belongs on.  Although some claim that fighting is positive because it adds spice and makes the sex better, I have not found that to be the case with those who come to me.  Rather they are hurt and exhausted, drained of the positive feelings that brought them together to begin with.  A major part of my work with couples is to help them learn how to fight better.  This and learning how to communicate are key factors in helping make a relationship work.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples

Couples therapy helps people make decisions about their relationship. They will either stay together better or decide to separate. Sometimes they decide to stay together even if things are no better. I can never predict because sometimes I have been really surprised. The only thing I can say is that if two people really want it to work, there is a better chance that it will. Love, commitment & connection count for a lot in helping couples resolve major issues. It helps if they come before things are at the breaking point, if they stay for more than a few sessions, and if both have the same agenda. I always try to remember that they didn’t start out this way. They wanted things to go well and to have a good life together. The following are some major issues that turn things awry.

Communication

The biggest problem in communication between couples is the illusion that it has taken place. It amazes me how often there are assumptions and reactions to those assumptions, & reactions to those reactions, without ever finding out what each other means or is trying to say. Resentments build. People accuse, get angry – either verbalizing the anger or holding it in. Holding it in can be with awareness or without. Often there are triggers that can make someone extremely reactive because of past issues and vulnerabilities. Almost no one comes into a relationship without ‘baggage’. In my opinion, the trick is to have baggage issues that don’t collide too much. This is rare for couple’s I see.
Communication is by far not the only problem I have encountered in my work with couples. And also there is no guarantee that if communication improves things will get better. But usually it does.

More to follow.

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