Tag Archives: Relationship counseling

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

All throughout my practice and over the years, for both couples and individuals, I see many who find themselves in difficult if not downright abusive relationships.  That has often been an ongoing pattern in their past relationships and their current relationship may continue and mirror those problems.  Also there are many who are still looking for just the ‘right’ person but haven’t a clue as to what makes a relationship ‘right’.  Now sometimes relationships become abusive after time and it can be because two people are not right for each other so that conflict and anger become part of the dynamic.  Or sometimes stresses destroy what was once good.  But more often it is a pattern.  Someone once said to me about her friend “I can always tell which kind of guy she will gravitate to.  She always goes for the one with a certain ‘attitude’ and of course good looking.  It is those guys who are really womanizers”.

More often it is women who find themselves with angry or emotionally unavailable men who take out their frustrations on their partners, but I have also worked with men who find themselves with cold, derisive, and ‘bitchy’ women who offer little warmth or love and mistreat them.  Now relationships don’t  normally start out that way.  People usually fancy themselves ‘in love’.  But the chemistry and that mystery we call ‘attraction’ can fade pretty quickly with the reality of life’s stressors.

There are many who repeat past patterns of abuse whether it stems from original family dynamics or from past relationships.  One person I worked with had a cold, distant, alcoholic mother, and every woman he ends up with has an addiction problem of some sort.  He takes care of them and does his best to offer them the love he feels in the hopes that it will change them.  I often feel that people have a certain kind of radar that puts them in the same situation over and over again.  The key to change is understanding the behavior and the willingness to stop trying again and again to accomplish what may be impossible.  Easier said than done!

 

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Anger & the Art of Fighting

When you are together with another human being, anger, annoyance & irritation – whether expressed or unspoken, are only natural.  After all, we are not clones of each other no matter how well we mesh.  But how a couple fights is key.  Most of the couples I see don’t know how to fight in ways that resolve issues rather than exacerbate them.  Then there are others who don’t want to resolve issues but want to be ‘right’.  Some fight almost as a way of life.  They will argue about which side of the refrigerator a magnet belongs on.  Although some claim that fighting is positive because it adds spice and makes the sex better, I have not found that to be the case with those who come to me.  Rather they are hurt and exhausted, drained of the positive feelings that brought them together to begin with.  A major part of my work with couples is to help them learn how to fight better.  This and learning how to communicate are key factors in helping make a relationship work.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Deal Breakers

Some problems can be divided into what I call ‘deal breakers’ and then everything else.  And not every ‘deal breaker’ ends a relationship.  Issues regarding religion, money, children, location, and whether someone wants to be in a relationship at all, are potential ‘deal breakers’.  But often the obvious is not ever dealt with prior to getting together.  People hope that these problems will magically disappear.  They ignore the elephant in the room.   It is only human.  We are taught that “love conquers all”.  So we pretend and hope for the best.  Also, some ‘deal breakers’ are covers for other underlying feelings, and until you explore, you can never be sure.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples Continued

Infidelity

Infidelity is an issue for at least half the couples that I see. Cheating can shake the foundations of a relationship to its core. But although it is usually thought that infidelity will put an end to a relationship, I have not found that to be the case. I treat infidelity as a symptom of something amiss in the relationship itself. That is not to say that there are not those who can’t stop cheating or those with sex addictions and the need for constant validation. But for the most part, infidelity is a communication by acting out of inner anger, rage, dissatisfactions & disappointments. It is commonly thought that men express this by cheating more than women do. That is probably statistically true, although women cheat too. But women tend to express verbally what bothers them, whereas men may have more difficulty doing this. Women also tend to be more willing to try to get past infidelity. I think men have a harder time. If this means I am unfairly sexist in my view, so be it. But again, these are only my observations.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples

Couples therapy helps people make decisions about their relationship. They will either stay together better or decide to separate. Sometimes they decide to stay together even if things are no better. I can never predict because sometimes I have been really surprised. The only thing I can say is that if two people really want it to work, there is a better chance that it will. Love, commitment & connection count for a lot in helping couples resolve major issues. It helps if they come before things are at the breaking point, if they stay for more than a few sessions, and if both have the same agenda. I always try to remember that they didn’t start out this way. They wanted things to go well and to have a good life together. The following are some major issues that turn things awry.

Communication

The biggest problem in communication between couples is the illusion that it has taken place. It amazes me how often there are assumptions and reactions to those assumptions, & reactions to those reactions, without ever finding out what each other means or is trying to say. Resentments build. People accuse, get angry – either verbalizing the anger or holding it in. Holding it in can be with awareness or without. Often there are triggers that can make someone extremely reactive because of past issues and vulnerabilities. Almost no one comes into a relationship without ‘baggage’. In my opinion, the trick is to have baggage issues that don’t collide too much. This is rare for couple’s I see.
Communication is by far not the only problem I have encountered in my work with couples. And also there is no guarantee that if communication improves things will get better. But usually it does.

More to follow.

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