Tag Archives: Marriage

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

All throughout my practice and over the years, for both couples and individuals, I see many who find themselves in difficult if not downright abusive relationships.  That has often been an ongoing pattern in their past relationships and their current relationship may continue and mirror those problems.  Also there are many who are still looking for just the ‘right’ person but haven’t a clue as to what makes a relationship ‘right’.  Now sometimes relationships become abusive after time and it can be because two people are not right for each other so that conflict and anger become part of the dynamic.  Or sometimes stresses destroy what was once good.  But more often it is a pattern.  Someone once said to me about her friend “I can always tell which kind of guy she will gravitate to.  She always goes for the one with a certain ‘attitude’ and of course good looking.  It is those guys who are really womanizers”.

More often it is women who find themselves with angry or emotionally unavailable men who take out their frustrations on their partners, but I have also worked with men who find themselves with cold, derisive, and ‘bitchy’ women who offer little warmth or love and mistreat them.  Now relationships don’t  normally start out that way.  People usually fancy themselves ‘in love’.  But the chemistry and that mystery we call ‘attraction’ can fade pretty quickly with the reality of life’s stressors.

There are many who repeat past patterns of abuse whether it stems from original family dynamics or from past relationships.  One person I worked with had a cold, distant, alcoholic mother, and every woman he ends up with has an addiction problem of some sort.  He takes care of them and does his best to offer them the love he feels in the hopes that it will change them.  I often feel that people have a certain kind of radar that puts them in the same situation over and over again.  The key to change is understanding the behavior and the willingness to stop trying again and again to accomplish what may be impossible.  Easier said than done!

 

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Relationship Configurations

Remember ‘open marriage’ and ‘free love’?  Well maybe you don’t, but if  free love’s time has come & gone, open relationships exists in many forms and probably has throughout history.  I am not now addressing polygamy in other cultures or even polygamy in the United States, as I know very little about that, but just what I have seen in my office.

I use the word ‘marriage’ loosely, because often there is no formal marriage.  I have never actually seen a threesome or foursome in my office, but I have seen couples and individuals who are involved or have been in open relationships.  In my experience it is an uphill battle to keep it going where everyone is okay with it.  Feelings arise such as jealousy & possessiveness that are difficult to deal with.  If the core couple is strong, then it stands a better chance.  But often one person is not entirely truthful about their feeling.  And feelings may change over time.

Then there are other relationship configurations, especially in the LGBT community.  Not everyone is satisfied with a dyad.  People’s needs are different and what works for the majority doesn’t fit everyone.  There are polyamorous relationships that are strong and important.   I have noticed however that  there are frequent changes in these relationships.  People go through transitions at varying stages in their lives and what they are looking for often  evolves.  But that does not mean  that these connections are not real & important.  They are.  There is commitment and close emotional as well as physical intimacy for those involved.  They are not ‘casual’ any more so than any marriage or dyad which breaks up is ‘casual’.   And at first glance, there is a greater willingness to be open and communicate about needs and feelings such as love, warmth, conversation, cuddling, as well as sex in various forms. Needing a community where one can get a variety of needs fulfilled is not considered weak or odd in polyamorous relationships.  There is a greater acceptance of individual differences & needs. People change and grow and these relationships can help.  The jury is out though as to how lasting they are.  I do not know and I don’t think anyone does.

But as in traditional relationships, the core issues remain the same:  Communication, commitment, fairness, fighting well, humor and acceptance remain key ingredients as to whether relationships survive comfortably.

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Observations on my work with Couples Continued

Infidelity

Infidelity is an issue for at least half the couples that I see. Cheating can shake the foundations of a relationship to its core. But although it is usually thought that infidelity will put an end to a relationship, I have not found that to be the case. I treat infidelity as a symptom of something amiss in the relationship itself. That is not to say that there are not those who can’t stop cheating or those with sex addictions and the need for constant validation. But for the most part, infidelity is a communication by acting out of inner anger, rage, dissatisfactions & disappointments. It is commonly thought that men express this by cheating more than women do. That is probably statistically true, although women cheat too. But women tend to express verbally what bothers them, whereas men may have more difficulty doing this. Women also tend to be more willing to try to get past infidelity. I think men have a harder time. If this means I am unfairly sexist in my view, so be it. But again, these are only my observations.

More to follow.

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