Tag Archives: couple’s counseling

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

All throughout my practice and over the years, for both couples and individuals, I see many who find themselves in difficult if not downright abusive relationships.  That has often been an ongoing pattern in their past relationships and their current relationship may continue and mirror those problems.  Also there are many who are still looking for just the ‘right’ person but haven’t a clue as to what makes a relationship ‘right’.  Now sometimes relationships become abusive after time and it can be because two people are not right for each other so that conflict and anger become part of the dynamic.  Or sometimes stresses destroy what was once good.  But more often it is a pattern.  Someone once said to me about her friend “I can always tell which kind of guy she will gravitate to.  She always goes for the one with a certain ‘attitude’ and of course good looking.  It is those guys who are really womanizers”.

More often it is women who find themselves with angry or emotionally unavailable men who take out their frustrations on their partners, but I have also worked with men who find themselves with cold, derisive, and ‘bitchy’ women who offer little warmth or love and mistreat them.  Now relationships don’t  normally start out that way.  People usually fancy themselves ‘in love’.  But the chemistry and that mystery we call ‘attraction’ can fade pretty quickly with the reality of life’s stressors.

There are many who repeat past patterns of abuse whether it stems from original family dynamics or from past relationships.  One person I worked with had a cold, distant, alcoholic mother, and every woman he ends up with has an addiction problem of some sort.  He takes care of them and does his best to offer them the love he feels in the hopes that it will change them.  I often feel that people have a certain kind of radar that puts them in the same situation over and over again.  The key to change is understanding the behavior and the willingness to stop trying again and again to accomplish what may be impossible.  Easier said than done!

 

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Acceptance

We are all different and no one is perfect. You will never get exactly what you want, but hopefully you will get mostly what you need.  How you fold the laundry or whether you can make a perfect omelet should not be a major factor as to whether to be together.  Fairness is very important, but it’s also important to remember that what you each bring to the relationship matters in weighing both the good and the bad.

W. could not screw in a light bulb and was the most mechanically inept man R. had ever met.  He was not the macho guy she had always dreamed about.   He could never find anything in the refrigerator and would always say “where is the ….”  R. would scream “just move something and you will find it”.  This was not an uncommon occurrence but it mattered not one bit because the warmth, love, and caretaking that W. showed R. made up for it in spades.  But she could have thought “if he really cared he wouldn’t burden me so much. He would remember all of what I said/needed/wanted”.  It’s a matter of weighing the plusses & minuses and hoping that the scales balance more often than not in the positives or are mostly even.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Humor

Fighting & anger can be less intense if couples can laugh at themselves and see the humor in it all.  Predicaments in life have a funny side to them too.  That is not to say that we shouldn’t take things seriously, but having the ability to see humor in certain situations makes for an easier time.  Couples who have a sense of humor stand a better chance – at least in my experience.  And when I say ‘humor’ I don’t mean sarcasm & making fun of the other person.  Those things are usually not funny if you are the recipient and/or if the situation is not lighthearted.  Your partner’s sensitivities should always be taken into consideration.

The following story exemplifies how humor can be very helpful.

After a hard day working E. finally sat down to read & relax for a few minutes.  When A. came home a short time later, he looked at her & said “woman, get into the kitchen & start rattling those pots & pans”.  He was joking but it took several days for E. to get it.  It was only when she told the story to a friend who began to giggle, that she realized that it was very funny and that she over reacted.  She began laughing & laughing, and it became a seminal story in how a sense of humor can help ease conflict & misunderstanding.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Deal Breakers

Some problems can be divided into what I call ‘deal breakers’ and then everything else.  And not every ‘deal breaker’ ends a relationship.  Issues regarding religion, money, children, location, and whether someone wants to be in a relationship at all, are potential ‘deal breakers’.  But often the obvious is not ever dealt with prior to getting together.  People hope that these problems will magically disappear.  They ignore the elephant in the room.   It is only human.  We are taught that “love conquers all”.  So we pretend and hope for the best.  Also, some ‘deal breakers’ are covers for other underlying feelings, and until you explore, you can never be sure.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples Continued

Infidelity

Infidelity is an issue for at least half the couples that I see. Cheating can shake the foundations of a relationship to its core. But although it is usually thought that infidelity will put an end to a relationship, I have not found that to be the case. I treat infidelity as a symptom of something amiss in the relationship itself. That is not to say that there are not those who can’t stop cheating or those with sex addictions and the need for constant validation. But for the most part, infidelity is a communication by acting out of inner anger, rage, dissatisfactions & disappointments. It is commonly thought that men express this by cheating more than women do. That is probably statistically true, although women cheat too. But women tend to express verbally what bothers them, whereas men may have more difficulty doing this. Women also tend to be more willing to try to get past infidelity. I think men have a harder time. If this means I am unfairly sexist in my view, so be it. But again, these are only my observations.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples

Couples therapy helps people make decisions about their relationship. They will either stay together better or decide to separate. Sometimes they decide to stay together even if things are no better. I can never predict because sometimes I have been really surprised. The only thing I can say is that if two people really want it to work, there is a better chance that it will. Love, commitment & connection count for a lot in helping couples resolve major issues. It helps if they come before things are at the breaking point, if they stay for more than a few sessions, and if both have the same agenda. I always try to remember that they didn’t start out this way. They wanted things to go well and to have a good life together. The following are some major issues that turn things awry.

Communication

The biggest problem in communication between couples is the illusion that it has taken place. It amazes me how often there are assumptions and reactions to those assumptions, & reactions to those reactions, without ever finding out what each other means or is trying to say. Resentments build. People accuse, get angry – either verbalizing the anger or holding it in. Holding it in can be with awareness or without. Often there are triggers that can make someone extremely reactive because of past issues and vulnerabilities. Almost no one comes into a relationship without ‘baggage’. In my opinion, the trick is to have baggage issues that don’t collide too much. This is rare for couple’s I see.
Communication is by far not the only problem I have encountered in my work with couples. And also there is no guarantee that if communication improves things will get better. But usually it does.

More to follow.

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All therapy is about the connection.  People don’t believe it matters to the therapists, but it does.  One of the most difficult things about being a therapist is that you rarely know what happens after someone leaves.  Occasionally people keep in touch, but it is like being involved in a living soap opera – and I don’t mean that in a pejorative way – and never knowing the end of the story.  Of course I know if someone leaves and is feeling better or leaves and has not made much ‘progress’ and of course many come back at a future time – but I never really know.  These patients are not lost to me.  I never forget anyone or their stories.  I just don’t have a view anymore.  That makes me sad but it is not about me and is just a natural part of the work.

Connection and your Therapist

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