Money is not usually a focal point of why people come in for psychotherapy and until recently I never thought about writing about it.  But a cousin suggested that it might be an interesting topic and it set me thinking.  In my experience money is often an integral part of how people behave, how they judge themselves and others, and has tremendous impact on relationships.  It is symbolic on many levels.  Everyone has a relationship with money even if they don’t know it.  And yet those who see me are reluctant to talk about money.  Sex is a less taboo subject.  People will reveal their drug or alcohol abuse or their eating disorders sooner than talk about how they deal with money.

Over the years I have seen people who are in constant monetary distress, who have declared bankruptcy, as well as those who have money, but to who continue to strive for acknowledgement  through money – as though money would alleviate all anxieties, increase their self-esteem and a validate their lovability  & self-worth.  It rarely is a solution for any of those things.  Focus on money has also destroyed many a relationship. When couples fight about money it is often a cover for other underlying issues having to do with pride, trust, feeling loved, appreciated and desired.  That is not to say that money issues aren’t real.  Often they are.  It is just to say that other problems are usually in that mix.

Now it is impossible to separate some of this from our larger culture which places an enormous value on the trappings of success that money can buy.  We see this in all media.  We forget that money is a means of survival.  And by that I mean food, clothing and shelter.  Now there is nothing wrong with enjoying things, and money does cushion people & help them to feel less frightened that they will end up homeless.  It makes many of life’s burdens easier. But there are never any guarantees.  And that is often why people can be obsessed with money.  I think there is nothing more telling about our society’s craziness when it comes to spending and accumulating and the inability of many to deal with money than what happens to many lottery winners.  One would think that winning a great deal of money would add to contentment.  But too often that is not the case.  Many lottery winners end up more miserable and broke.  What happens to the concept of saving for the future?  It’s almost like money does burn a hole in one’s pocket and it is spent faster than ever.  It also makes it clear that money is no panacea for an individual’s well-being.  And it is by no means a measure of one’s success as a human being.

People’s attitudes towards money vary as greatly as do their familial experiences.  As a child of depression parents, in my family saving was paramount.  There were no credit cards and there were envelopes for all the bills & necessities and one for savings if possible.  If you didn’t have the cash, you didn’t buy it.  Commitment & love were primary values in some families, because they knew what it was like to be hungry and they had their priorities in order. Now others of depression parents had different experiences. They valued money above all else, swearing as did Scarlett O’hara “I will never be hungry again”.  They didn’t talk about money and so did not educate their children about how to handle money.  Or they spent & were in constant debt, denying the reality of their situation. Shame was a ruling emotion and impacted how they dealt with money & consequently how their children felt about money.  Often shame led to avoidance of the whole topic or to knockdown, drag out fights.  But as we know, children feel and react to what is not overtly talked about, let alone what they witness.  Many children unconsciously or even consciously swore to make up for what their parents lacked.

Money represents many things to people.  It can be used as a barometer measuring things like love, self-worth & self-esteem, how others feel about you, and of course power – just to name a few.  There are couples I see where money is not a source of conflict.  They pull together without a blame game no matter what the circumstances.  Then there are others where money becomes the overt reason for conflict, blame, and a means of punishment and revenge.

I also see individuals living on credit, even though they make a good living.  They live and spend beyond their means.  Buying becomes a sort of drug to help ease other emotional problems.  It becomes a means to escape, a way to ease a greater pain – somewhat like drugs or alcohol.  Now buying an extra lipstick or a pair of socks is one thing, but several cars or homes, expensive vacations & clothes and electronic toys that one really can’t afford, is a totally different thing.  Living on credit is dangerous and in spite of debit cards which ostensibly help people not live beyond their income, debt in this country has reached all-time highs.  It seems that living within one’s means is a disappearing value.

Now there are organizations that will help people budget and learn to live within their means, but they are sorely underfunded and underutilized.  Often by the time people consult them they are in such a deep hole that little can be done. When I ask people about a budget, they often look at me either ashamedly or blankly as though the concept is prehistoric.  I don’t know.  Maybe it is.

There is an important question as to whether this society just pays lip service to the idea of not living on credit.  We certainly seem schizophrenic on the subject.   On the one hand we extoll the virtues of saving and not using money as a measure of success or how we judge ourselves and others.  But just look at the values we place on society’s commodities.  What does that say about us?

Now little I have said about the societal aspect of money is new. It goes back to the Romans & before.  It just seems wider spread.  But if you judge yourself by money, you are missing the point.  You don’t need labels or an image or an accumulation of  ‘toys’ to feel successful.  That should be an inner definition having to do with the kind of person you are.