Tag Archives: Relationships

Observations on my work with Couples continued

Acceptance

We are all different and no one is perfect. You will never get exactly what you want, but hopefully you will get mostly what you need.  How you fold the laundry or whether you can make a perfect omelet should not be a major factor as to whether to be together.  Fairness is very important, but it’s also important to remember that what you each bring to the relationship matters in weighing both the good and the bad.

W. could not screw in a light bulb and was the most mechanically inept man R. had ever met.  He was not the macho guy she had always dreamed about.   He could never find anything in the refrigerator and would always say “where is the ….”  R. would scream “just move something and you will find it”.  This was not an uncommon occurrence but it mattered not one bit because the warmth, love, and caretaking that W. showed R. made up for it in spades.  But she could have thought “if he really cared he wouldn’t burden me so much. He would remember all of what I said/needed/wanted”.  It’s a matter of weighing the plusses & minuses and hoping that the scales balance more often than not in the positives or are mostly even.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Humor

Fighting & anger can be less intense if couples can laugh at themselves and see the humor in it all.  Predicaments in life have a funny side to them too.  That is not to say that we shouldn’t take things seriously, but having the ability to see humor in certain situations makes for an easier time.  Couples who have a sense of humor stand a better chance – at least in my experience.  And when I say ‘humor’ I don’t mean sarcasm & making fun of the other person.  Those things are usually not funny if you are the recipient and/or if the situation is not lighthearted.  Your partner’s sensitivities should always be taken into consideration.

The following story exemplifies how humor can be very helpful.

After a hard day working E. finally sat down to read & relax for a few minutes.  When A. came home a short time later, he looked at her & said “woman, get into the kitchen & start rattling those pots & pans”.  He was joking but it took several days for E. to get it.  It was only when she told the story to a friend who began to giggle, that she realized that it was very funny and that she over reacted.  She began laughing & laughing, and it became a seminal story in how a sense of humor can help ease conflict & misunderstanding.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples continued

Deal Breakers

Some problems can be divided into what I call ‘deal breakers’ and then everything else.  And not every ‘deal breaker’ ends a relationship.  Issues regarding religion, money, children, location, and whether someone wants to be in a relationship at all, are potential ‘deal breakers’.  But often the obvious is not ever dealt with prior to getting together.  People hope that these problems will magically disappear.  They ignore the elephant in the room.   It is only human.  We are taught that “love conquers all”.  So we pretend and hope for the best.  Also, some ‘deal breakers’ are covers for other underlying feelings, and until you explore, you can never be sure.

More to follow.

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Observations on my work with Couples Continued

Infidelity

Infidelity is an issue for at least half the couples that I see. Cheating can shake the foundations of a relationship to its core. But although it is usually thought that infidelity will put an end to a relationship, I have not found that to be the case. I treat infidelity as a symptom of something amiss in the relationship itself. That is not to say that there are not those who can’t stop cheating or those with sex addictions and the need for constant validation. But for the most part, infidelity is a communication by acting out of inner anger, rage, dissatisfactions & disappointments. It is commonly thought that men express this by cheating more than women do. That is probably statistically true, although women cheat too. But women tend to express verbally what bothers them, whereas men may have more difficulty doing this. Women also tend to be more willing to try to get past infidelity. I think men have a harder time. If this means I am unfairly sexist in my view, so be it. But again, these are only my observations.

More to follow.

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